


Deus Ex Saiki

by oatmealcrisp



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga), 斉木楠雄のΨ難 | Saiki Kusuo no Sai-nan | The Disastrous Life of Saiki K.
Genre: M/M, be gay solve crime, crackfic, like it IS death note cmon, mentioned also just suicide, mentioned murder/suicide that doesn't actually happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24776032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oatmealcrisp/pseuds/oatmealcrisp
Summary: Ten year old Kusuo Saiki decides he's tired of Kira's shenanigans so he's gonna solve the problem himself.It may not have been worth it.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 44
Kudos: 449





	Deus Ex Saiki

**Author's Note:**

> Headcanon: Saiki's spirit guardian is the king of death.
> 
> Mixing anime and manga timelines here don't mind me.

Kusuo Saiki didn’t like to involve himself in events which didn’t concern him.

However, there was only so much ‘sitting back and waiting for the professionals to handle it’ that someone with his abilities could take. He felt a little bad because his mom would no doubt worry a lot when she noticed he was gone. She’d been worrying a lot these days. His dad too, though Kusuo cared less about him.

This whole Kira thing was stressing his family out. That meant it affected him. Right? Right. And L was supposed to be smart, so Kusuo was sure he could convince the guy to keep his powers just between them.

It’d been no effort at all, really. He’d made a guess that the headquarters was located in Tokyo somewhere and true to form he’d found it located in a truly impressive and shiny looking skyscraper.

Invisible, the ten year old landed on the roof. If he was judging it correctly based on the distance between him and the thoughts he was hearing, then the taskforce was located in the fifteenth floor of this hotel. He was almost disappointed he wouldn’t be getting to see the penthouse. Oh well.

Then, Kusuo quirked an eyebrow as he took note of a certain bundle of thoughts. The taskforce, _and_ Kira. Hilarious, truly. Kusuo uttered a derisive snort. Well, made it easier for him. 

Kusuo tilted his head. 

‘Without a map of the building I can’t just teleport in there…’ Kusuo rubbed at his chin then shrugged, stepped off the roof, crawled out of the hole he made in the alley below, and ambled around the building to walk right in through the front door.

He approached the front desk and rang the bell. “Excuse me, I’m looking for my dad?”

The desk clerk blinked down at him and put on a bright, warm smile, immediately charmed by him, his manners, and his youth. Hah. Adults were so easy to manipulate.

And since he was _obviously_ a child, the taskforce probably wouldn’t think of him as a threat. Which was silly, but adults were dumb, so.

“His name is,” Kusuo grasped at one of the names hanging out in the room. “Shuichi Aizawa.”

A significant amount of time later and Kusuo was pouting at the door behind which was the Kira taskforce. So it turned out that they’d registered under an alias and Kusuo was actually the stupid one. It made sense. Honestly it would’ve been pretty idiotic if they hadn’t of done so. 

He’d ended up needing to search them out room by room. You’d think that a single floor couldn’t _possibly_ hold so many rooms for this to take a significant amount of time, especially given he’d already narrowed it down to the floor.

You would be wrong.

So he was a little fed up and accidentally opened the door a bit rougher than he intended to. Kusuo gingerly rewound the time on the door after he closed it. Then he turned around.

A beat.

Startled yelling erupted around him the second they fully registered his presence and Kusuo found himself at gunpoint several times over as the police in the room jumped up and got him in their sights. Well, they weren’t all police. A grandfatherly gentleman had a little .22 caliber on him too.

Kusuo wasn’t bothered by the guns. It wasn’t like they could hurt him. Instead he did his best to ignore all the shouting in favour of briefly taking in the room and the residents within it.

“Everyone, _calm down_.” Directed probably the most _ridiculous_ and _bizarre_ man Kusuo had ever seen in his entire life. 

Judging by his thoughts, that would be L. Kusuo blinked, reconsidered his personal biases by throwing out his mental image of a cool, slick, Sherlock Holmsian type, then moved on to the next two people of interest.

A teenager with mocha coloured hair and raspberry eyes to match, and over his shoulder -

Kusuo’s eyes widened. Whoa. The gangly, _huge_ being that could only be described as a monster goggled in response, bulbous and unnerving eyes bulging even more. It’s thick lipped, shark tooth lined mouth dropped open to gape at him. The teeth matched the eyes. Brr.

“I can’t hear your thoughts.” Kusuo told the monster.

The shouting was reduced to silence. The monster wheezed and backed away. It’s body language was surprisingly human, and basically dripping in fear, so Kusuo dismissed it and turned to look at the teen beside the being who’d just paled by about five shades.

His eyes narrowed. “But I can read yours. So. You’re Kira.”

Somehow Kira’s appearance did match his expectations. He hadn’t really had any going in but yeah. Pretty boy with a neat and tidy appearance? Yeah, that actually made sense.

The shouting started all over again. Apparently the police didn’t believe that the boy, whose name was Light Yagami apparently, was Kira.

Oh, that was probably why. The guy’s own dad was the most veteran officer here and, in fact, held the rank of chief of police. 

Talk about perfect positioning. Kusuo could hardly believe Kira’s luck. All the same, that’d do it.

“ _Silence_.” Demanded L. “Silence, or I’ll have you all thrown out.”

The request was complied with at once. Kusuo noticed that the guns weren’t put away though. Normal humans sure did like their guns.

Gosh, Kira’s brain was racing so fast Kusuo was surprised he couldn’t see smoke pouring out the older boy’s ears. 

“Little boy,” L asked. “How did you get in here?”

Kusuo frowned. Wasn’t it obvious? “Opened the door.”

L eyed said previously locked door which was looking much shinier than it had ten minutes ago. “And before that?”

“Flew. Then jumped off the building and came in through the front door.”

That incited some shocked sputters which they both ignored.

“In what vehicle?”

Kusuo wrinkled his nose. “I don’t need one to fly.”

“I see.” L stared all the harder. “And you claim you can read thoughts?”

Kusuo nodded. 

“And that’s how you deduced the young man behind you is Kira?”

Kusuo nodded again. 

L reached over and withdrew a handful of gummy bears from a bowl next to him, popping the entire thing into his mouth. Kusuo tried not to salivate. L paused and offered him the bowl. Kusuo decided that, despite how weird the guy looked, he was obviously _the best_ and took a small handful for himself. 

He wanted to take the bowl, but that would be rude.

“What else can you tell me about him?”

L wanted him to prove his abilities. As of right now he was thinking there was a fifty percent chance that Kusuo was telling the truth and a fifty percent chance that it was an elaborate act. So far, ventriloquism, cold reading, and stage magics were among L’s theories for Kusuo’s abilities.

“Uh, Ryuzaki, you can’t tell me you’re taking this kid seriously are you?” Kira asked with a honeyed laugh, stepping forward to look down at Kusuo with a smile that was friendly on the surface and absolutely _livid_ underneath. 

The guy was an amazing actor for the biggest mass murderer known to all of humankind, Kusuo would give him that.

“I mean, you’re what, ten?”

“And you’re eighteen. Your name is Light Yagami. Your father is that man over there,” Kusuo pointed at the pale man in question. “You found the Death Note belonging to the shinigami behind you,” A chorus of startled gasps. “On November twenty-eighth and used it for the first time that very day at 6:23 to murder Kurou Otoharada-”

Kira whistled. “Wow. That’s quite the story, kid.”

“Shinigami…” L echoed.

Kusuo smirked. “Your favourite childhood memory is breaking Shun Takahashi’s fingers after he broke your sister, Sayu’s, arm during your sixth birthday party. You stepped on his hand.”

At that the shinigami began to rasp a throaty, horrible laugh.

“...Light?” Soichiro whispered. “You said-no. Young man, how do you know this?”

“I already told you,” Kusuo frowned, becoming frustrated with how _slow_ these people were being. “I can read minds.”

“Ryuzaki?” A shivering man with thick, straight black hair asked. His name, Kusuo divined from his mind, was Touta Matsuda. “What-...What-?”

“Is the information accurate, Mr. Yagami? About Light breaking a little boy’s fingers?”

“I-It was an accident!” Soichiro blustered. “He never meant to- he was trying to get to Sayu, it-...Light?”

“Uh.” Kira’s nervousness was becoming apparent.

Kusuo got the feeling that Kira didn’t become speechless very often. Goal for him!

Shuichi Aizawa, Kusuo’s new dad, cocked his gun. Eager, wasn’t he?

“There’ve been many studies into whether or not ESP is something that exists.” L mumbled. The odds weren’t fifty fifty anymore. “Most of those studies have been covered up by interested parties to be shown as inconclusive but, in reality, I have worked with several ‘psychics’. The issue is corroborating the evidence and being able to prove it in a court of law.”

“Wait, you don’t mean to tell me that-”

Kusuo was getting bored. And he’d run out of gummy bears. He turned to Kira and raised a hand, causing the teen to take a wary step back-

Only for Kira’s eyes to widen as Kusuo subjugated him telekinetically, forcing his body to the floor. Kira’s body went down with a shiver and his mind was _screaming_ in rage, babbling with disbelief. A curl of will and Kusuo broadcasted the teenager’s thoughts to everyone in the room.

They weren’t pretty.

‘Little brat, I’m gonna fucking kill him the second I figure a way out of this-goddamnit, Ryuk, stop laughing! I can’t believe someone with power like this exists but surely, if I can just get to that page in my wallet-I can’t let this continue, I can’t change the world if they find out I’m Kira-Why is everyone looking at me like that? ...Shit. He did something. Fucking...goddamnit. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-’

Kusuo cut off the stream of profanity then stated the obvious. “This man is Kira.”

“Of course,” L continued to muse. “We won’t be going with a usual court. Well.”

Unfolding from his chair, the dark haired man stood and ambled over, his back remaining bent at an atrocious angle. Thumb pushing between his lips, L tilted his head down at them and looked dissatisfied. 

...How dare he. Kusuo had _helped_ , he had no right to look sad.

“Psychics really do take all the fun out of things”

‘Uh, excuse you?’

Ignoring Kusuo’s flummoxed glare, L continued. “...but it looks like this is checkmate, Light. Too bad. Things were just starting to get fun.”

“... _Fun_?!” Shuichi squawked and for his part, Kusuo agreed.

On the ground, Kira’s thoughts softened with resignation. 

‘..Yeah. Funny. First time I’ve felt alive in years,’ Thought the genocidal maniac. ‘Right in time to die. I can’t figure out a way out of this...but at least I’ll have taken hundreds of killers and rapists and thieves with me. I guess I’m just gonna have to be satisfied with that.’

“Alright,” L hunkered down and reached into Kira’s back pocket. “In your wallet you say?”

Kusuo remained silent. L was a smart guy, he’d figure out that the slip of Death Note paper was hidden in the lining soon enough. Instead, he remained focused on Kira at his feet, eyes narrow.

Something about the eighteen year old’s brain felt off. Kusuo had met a lot of killers during his ten years on this planet and even as their thoughts reveled in their actions their brains never felt quite like this. It was closer to those he’d felt with some sort of psychosis but even that wasn’t right. 

“Oh! Well,” L said suddenly, peering up at Ryuk with wide, startled eyes. Between his fingers was a slip of otherwise plain looking paper. “...I guess this bears asking, then. Mr. Shinigami, do your sort actually love apples?”

“Huh? Uh. Yeah. Hey, speaking of, you got any? I could really go for some right now, heheh.” 

“Earlier, when you said you couldn’t read someone’s mind little boy, was this who you were referring to?” L peered over at him.

Kusuo nodded.

“Your abilities truly are impressive...I don’t suppose you’d happen to be an orphan, would you?”

Kusuo _smiled_. “No, and don't intend to become one.”

“Duly noted,” Muttered the man as he stood, handing the piece of paper over to Aizawa. “Alright. Take this, pass it around, we’ll be interrogating Mr. Shinigami now. Oh, and, Watari. Please get some apples for our previously unseen guest. And, uh,” L turned to look at Kusuo. “Some...coffee jelly for the little boy?”

...Suddenly Kusuo didn’t mind being called, ‘little boy’. He nodded rapidly, almost shaking with delight. His mom almost never let him have anything with coffee in it, she said that he was too young, but coffee flavoured jelly-

Pleasepleasepleaseplease.

“That would be a yes to the coffee jelly for the little boy.”

Yay!

“A pair of handcuffs wouldn’t be uncalled for either.” L looked around at the various police officers who were just standing and sitting about in shock. “Well? Chop chop!”

‘Oh, L. Give’em a minute, would ya? They’ve just had a bit of a shock after all.’ On the floor, Kira rolled his eyes. ‘I had them completely duped and they even liked me as a person. Not to mention my dad...be reasona-wait. You’re never reasonable. Nevermind. Ignore me. ...Not like I can talk anyway.’

The thoughts of the murderer on the floor drew Kusuo’s attention again and he tilted his head, staring down at Kira. 

Kusuo narrowed his eyes. ‘I wonder…’

Of all the injuries that Kusuo had cured, a mental illness wasn’t one of them. But something about the upsidedown-ness of Kira’s head, the wrongness in it, it was bothering him.

He knelt down, tilting his head so he could look the raspberry eyed teen in the eye. 

“Hm? Little boy? You sure are staring awful hard at Light all of a sudden.”

‘Even now you’re still calling him by his-oh.’ Kusuo blinked. ‘I see. They’re like mom and dad. Well, almost. How very Romeo and Juliet of them.’

“His brain doesn’t feel right.” But L was a genius of repute so maybe he knew something.

Silence, up until Shuichi started to snicker. Soichiro groaned.

  
Kira tried to sneer but Kusuo held his body firmly paralyzed, only enabling his breathing, blinking, and other necessary bodily functions. 

“Well,” L said lightly and Kusuo could tell by his mind that he was amused and with various ideas but nothing yet concrete. “We always did suspect something was off with little Light. Please elucidate for our audience, however.”

“It’s upside down.”

“...Light’s brain is upside down?” 

“Not literally,” Kusuo snorted. “Don’t be an idiot.”

L paused and turned away to gaze at the ceiling. “...Someone just called me an idiot. Wow. Amazing.”

‘...What the hell is this kid on about?’

“The way his thinking operates is similar to people I’ve come across with psychosis. However, it’s not exact. It feels perverted.”

“Should a boy his age know that word?” Touta asked.

“Matsuda, let’s move passed the tragic implications of telepathy on childhood. Mr. Shinigami, earlier you were regaling me with tales of how you’d previously dropped Death Notes in our world. What, precisely, was the outcome?”

The shinigami chortled his awful, raspy laugh. “Well, they almost all used them but they were all boring. Went mad and killed’emselves.”

The shinigami reached into a bowl set down just then by Watari that was full of shiny red apples, picked up one on each claw and devoured them all within seconds. “Hnnnn, so juicy and sweet.”

“And how precisely does your Death Note work?”

“Well, you write a name while picturing someone’s face and they die.”

L’s expression, already emotionless, became somehow wry. “You don’t mean to tell me it’s magic.”

The shinigami snickered. “Call it whatever you like, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“Hm. I see. Back to the topic at hand. Have they all killed themselves?”

“Every single one.”

“And yet our little Light has yet to. About how long would you say it takes?”

“Eh, longest was about three weeks? Hard to say. Of the batch, Light’s definitely been the most...interesting.”

Why did that sound so creepy?

Well, while L was busy deducing the exact nature of Kira’s insanity, Kusuo was getting bored again. He’d already downed the coffee jelly Watari handed him, and he didn’t think he had the patience for L’s slothful manner of doing things. Seriously, these people were _so slow_.

He reached out and settled his palm upon Kira’s forehead.

‘Uh.’ Said Kira’s brain.

“Little boy?” Said L’s mouth.

Telepathically, Kusuo said, “This might hurt.”

And then he worked on siphoning the darkness out of Kira’s brain while turning it rightside up. Via smacking the ever loving macaroons out of him. Good’ol percussive maintenance. For Kusuo, it worked every time.

Even silenced as he was, Kira still managed to scream. 

Good for him.

“So just in case you didn’t realize it,” Kusuo projected solely into the brain he was attempting to fix. “And hopefully you will after I’m through with you, but you? Are an idiot. Like a big, huge, idiot. Who gave you the right, huh? Who gave you the right to judge those people? You think you’re some sorta god, is that it? Well guess what, _kid_.” 

Eyes glowing brightly, Kusuo smiled. “You’re not. All you are is some edgy highschooler with a notebook. Compared to me? You’re not even an ant. Now get off your high horse and join the rest of the mortals. _Idiot_. And stop scaring my mom!”

Kira kept right on screaming. Kusuo wasn’t actually sure if he was getting through to the guy but it still felt pretty satisfying to say, he wasn’t gonna lie. Kusuo didn’t often let himself enjoy the pleasure of a good ‘Reasons Why You Suck’ speech, but Kusuo also didn’t usually encounter megalomaniacs like this one who’d _scared his mom_ , so.

Deserved.

“What is he doing!? Get off him!”

“Now, now, Mr. Yagami, please relax.”

“My son is on the floor screaming while being _slapped around by a little boy_ -!”

“Mr. Yagami, your son is also Kira. Though, little boy, I would also prefer if you didn’t-”

“All done.” Kusuo twitched his nose and sniffed back blood, then wiped his face on his sleeve. Uhg. That’d been some hard work. He was actually feeling a little winded.

“Oh, young man, here you are. Please, use this!” Said Watari who then handed him a napkin. 

“Thank you.” Kusuo accepted it and sat down, a little woozy now.

He’d never-

It’d just been a lot.

He’d hurt himself too.

“Are you alright?” Watari asked.

“Light?” L stood over them, eyes blown wide with expectation.

Next to Kusuo’s knees, Kira noisily gasped for air. He reminded Kusuo of the bass he’d landed the previous summer on their fishing trip. He’d felt guilty, and threw it back, because it’d been suffocating slowly and had been panicking so very loudly.

Hopefully now that he’d dug up the morals and empathy that Kira did, actually a _pparently_ have (‘He couldn’t bear the thought of even taking advantage of a person’s feelings this time last year what the heck, that notebook works DARN quick?’) and reinstated them full force, Kira wouldn’t be looking at the rest of their species like pitiable fish anymore.

It was done. Or, he was pretty sure it was done. Pending L’s role in whatever happened but _Kusuo_ ’ _s_ self imposed role was done. And he’d done a good job too. Pat on the back, gold star for him.

Kusuo released his paralysis but apart from rolling over onto his back, Kira didn’t move. Instead, he began to cry. Good boy. 

Ignoring that, Kusuo instead shifted his attention to the newly delighted man above him. L had already figured out what he’d done but was reserving judgement. 

“In case it isn’t obvious,” Kusuo snarked as he mopped at his bloody nose. “I removed the notebook’s otherworldly influence and turned his brain right side up again.”

“...Truly.” L uttered dry as sand. “This doesn’t bother you, does it Mr. Shinigami?”

“Pffft. I’m not about to get in that kid’s way, his guardian spirit is my b - well. Don’t mind me. Uh. Hey, Light. You, uh, you okay down there?”

Kira continued to wheeze. “...Fuck off, Ryuk.”

L hummed. “Oh, so Mr. Shinigami has a name and it is Ryuk. Still, the question stands. How are you feeling down there, Kira?”

“Yeah, fuck you too, Ryuzaki. I just had my brain chemistry rewired out of sweet fuck all nowhere, how the fuck do you _think_ I feel? Fucker. Fuck you.” Snarked the usually polite and well spoken teen. Then after a pause he added for posterity, “ _Fuck_.”

“Light! Language!”

“...Dad, you just discovered I’m a hyper-prolific serial killer and you’re worried about my _language_? ...Oh _God_ I’m a hyper-prolific serial killer. Nn!”

Kusuo blinked and pulled Watari’s hands off his ears. The notion was sweet but when he had telepathy it was pretty useless. If Watari got to hear what Kusuo heard every day he’d probably have a heart atta-

...Hm. That was in bad taste. Oops. Still made the action rather superfluous though. In fact, incredibly so.

“Ah. Yes. That is correct.” Soichiro sighed then withdrew his gun from its holster. “You’re right. For the sake of our family I need to realign my priorities and take on my duty as your father. Alright,” The man cocked his gun and stood. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Will someone please restrain Mr. Yagami so he doesn’t murder-suicide with his son? Thanks.” L nodded as the other officers were finally stirred to action to (carefully because he was old) dogpile the chief then returned his attention to Kira. “Hm. Well. Kira. You say you’re of sound mind now?”

Kira, who was longingly eyeballing his father’s dropped gun through the thick tears welling in his eyes, blinked and looked back up at L in turn. “...Define.”

“Fair enough. Well, Kira-”

“Can you stop calling me that please?” Kira winced.

“Walk like a duck, talk like a duck, you’re a Kira. Anyways, Kira, what are your plans now?”

“...Well, I don’t want to kill people anymore if that’s what you’re asking. In fact,” Kira finally pushed himself into a seated position, looking an interesting combination of green and grey that...actually didn’t do much to make him less attractive. Some people had all the luck. “May I have a bucket please? I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Ah, perfect. That makes this easier then. Watari?”

The old man who’d settled Kusuo in his lap and was feeding him more coffee jelly looked up, bristly mustache twitching.

“Yes, Ryuzaki?”

“Stop cuddling the little boy and inform the UN that we’ve found and disposed of Kira, would you?”

“And bucket.”

“Oh, right. Yes, and please fetch us a bucket also. Our newest addition shall be requiring one.”

“Ah yes, of course. My apologies, I’ll go and do that right away.”

If Kusuo didn’t have a front row seat to L’s mind he’d be worried he was about to see a murder. Instead he got to listen in on what sounded like, frankly, a plan to elope. It was cross continental, involved introducing Kira to L’s medley of orphan children at his super genius house in the UK, and _plenty_ of strawberries. Also solving cases together like a pair of weird detective uncles. For some reason, Kusuo himself was dancing along the edges of L’s periphery. The man intended on collecting him.

Noooo thank you.

Kira blinked his big, pretty eyes. He looked like a puppy. It was _cute_. How could the man who’d slaughtered so many people manage to look so sweet? Ridiculous. Kusuo felt egregiously offended. 

“...Wait, what?” Kira asked, then lunged for L’s leg. “Ryuzaki, you can’t be serious?! I _killed_ -”

“Thousands of people, yes, let’s not belabor a bit of hamartia and let bygones be bygones, shall we? Letting such a brain go to waste would be shameful. And you are…” L pushed his thumb between his lips and smiled at the teenager clinging to his jeans. “Quite interesting.”

Ryuk hyuked. “You got that right.”

Alright, the PG rating was getting a little too PG-13 for his ten year old, terrified of cooties tastes. 

Kusuo stood and dusted off his shorts. “I’m gonna leave, now.”

As far as punishments went, being whisked off to be gay and solve crime wasn’t to Kusuo’s preference but L was couching it in terms of ‘life imprisonment’ so he could at least be assured Kira wasn’t about to continue his killing spree. In that, Kusuo had succeeded. His work was done here.

“Oh, before you do,” L, hands firmly in his pockets, eyed Kusuo like an owl about to pounce on a mouse. “Much as I’m annoyed by your little deus ex machina act I’d still like to know your name. May I have it?”

Kusuo ensured his silence was appropriately skeptical, even briefly giving the serial killer who only needed a name and a face on the floor to kill with a telling glance. Kira noticed his look and appropriately shied back. Heh. Yep. Know your place, little man.

Ryuk waved his hand. “Not to worry, kiddo. You’re immune to our notebooks.”

“Ohu?” L’s eyes widened significantly. Yikes. Nope. That was a solid nope.

Before the creepy guy could get any ideas, Kusuo snatched up the bowl of gummy bears that’d been calling his name the _entire time_ and quickly introduced himself.

“My name is Kusuo Saiki. Bye.”

He teleported. It was time to go home, ill-gotten sweets and all.

* * *

As they rounded the corner, Kusuo looked briefly over his shoulder. A second later and he faced forward again. 

“Whoo, that was a tough one!” Nendo stretched, oblivious to the six skeptical eyes smouldering into his back. “How do you think you guys did?”

‘Not as screwed as you,’ Came the consensus stated in varying ways three times over.

Kusuo tried not to care that this would likely be the start of the final ‘get dragged out by Nendo for ramen’ countdown (keytar riffs not included). Now that he’d _finally_ gotten around to dealing with that blasted volcano, they could at last begin moving forward. Well, except for Nendo, who would most definitely be repeating the grade. It was a little bittersweet.

His eyes flickered over his shoulder again. No, he’d known he hadn’t been imagining things. They were definitely being followed and by a cliche black sedan at that.

“I dunno,” Kuboyasu, humble, scratched his head. “I hope good enough. Shun’s been tutoring me lately and I think that helped but it’s hard to say, y’know?”

Tutoring? When did that happen? Kusuo’s urge to snoop was omnipresent. How dare these kids have a life outside him, he was _the protagonist_ , couldn’t they see his bright pink hair?

He would need to infiltrate. New mission acquired, Kusuo narrowed his eyes upon his prey and listened all the harder to their brains.

Kuboyasu asked, “What about you, Shun?” 

“Hopefully good enough so my allowance doesn’t get docked…” Kaidou sighed very deeply. “Closer we get to university the more, uh, vehement mom gets. How about you, Saiki? ...Saiki?”

Kusuo stopped listening in on their brains because hearing Ayumi Kaidou’s pressuring scream from the back of her son’s head while stifling him emotionally and creatively so he had very little outlet for the pressure building inside him-

Well.

‘Sorry, Kaidou, I got depressed listening to you. How about we change the subject?’ He looked over his shoulder again and nodded toward their stalker.

“Huh, you noticed it too, Saiki?” Kuboyasu regarded the car with narrowed eyes. “Guess I wasn’t just imagining things.”

‘Well why didn’t _you_ say anything, then?’ Kusuo inwardly grumbled in frustration at having been the one to give in and acknowledge the elephant rolling after them on four wheels at forty kilometers per hour. ‘Jerk.’

“What do you-Nendo, _pay attention_!” Kaidou’s hand snapped out to grab the back of the lug’s jacket before he could walk away completely since he hadn’t noticed them stop. “-What do you mean?”

Kuboyasu smirked. “We’re being followed.”

‘Finally doing his job. Good. Saves me the exposition.’ Kusuo rolled his eyes, just barely biting back a “Duh” into his corpus callosum. 

Since they stopped to look right at it, the car dropped the pretense and pulled up beside them. The moment he caught onto the thoughts of the people inside, Kusuo grimaced.

Oh. Great. This guy.

“Uh. Maybe we should go?” Squeaked Kaidou, already imagining various scenarios of them being kidnapped. “N-Not like I can’t take on...anything with my Black Beat, but-!” 

Ahah, there it was. The self-reassurance via fantasy. Kaidou’s coping mechanisms were as reliable as clockwork, and just as entertaining if Kusuo were honest. Which was to say, genuinely. Kusuo had a mild fondness for gears, okay. Shut up.

Out stepped Aiber who was just as chiseled and American as the last time he’d seen the guy. With a friendly smile, the conman gave them a salute.

“Yo! Don’t mind me, kiddos. I’ve just been rallied into playing messenger for some mutual friends of ours.” The large blond said as he reached into his suit jacket and withdrew a letter.

Kusuo withheld his grimace. Aiber really couldn’t have d-no, wait, of course not. He was probably under direct orders to be a pain in the ass. _And_ , worse, his and L’s senses of humor aligned. Of course he’d do this in public in the creepiest way possible. Bastards, the lot of them.

Still, he accepted the letter as it was handed to him. The very next second he was slapping the asshole’s hand away when Aiber reached out to ruffle his hair, and gave the stumbling man the finger.

“Whoo! Feisty!” Laughed the conman before he waved and slid back into the car. “Alright, bye bye!”

Thoroughly ignoring the looks he was receiving from his pet idiots, Kusuo stuffed the letter in his pocket with no intention of reading it and, in fact, of dumping it into the first garbage can he saw. Then he turned and began the process of walking away.

“Uh, aren’t you gonna read it?” Kaidou, slave to social conventions he was, asked.

None of his idiots began walking with him. Fuck. That meant _he_ couldn’t walk off either!

Kusuo, who was also a slave to social conventions but also _entirely miffed_ at the moment, looked at Nendo in hopes the buffoon would do his job and deflect the situation for him.

Instead of gurgling about ramen Nendo just blinked at him, arms folded behind his head, and nodded. “Yeah, buddy, aintcha gonna open it?”

“It’s _probably_ not anthrax,” Kuboyasu squinted after the departing car. “...Probably.”

Pfft. Easily swallowing his snicker, Kusuo sighed instead with a low “Good grief” and pulled out the envelope. He _could_ just give his idiots the finger too, but, well, that’d be rude.

So he opened it and peeked inside. Ah. A photo and a letter. How contrived. He pulled out the photo first. It was L and Kira, cuddling on a beach, L all over in sunscreen and Kira with a golden tan. 

...It was actually kind of cute, considering one of them was a former mass murderer and the other was just a straight up, kind of evil asshole who toyed with criminals for fun.

‘They really are the perfect couple.’ Kusuo restrained his smile and flicked open the letter.

He read it within a couple of seconds and then zoned out for a bit longer to disguise his reading speed. The entire thing was written in code, different than the last letter, because Kira and L liked to be brats but he’d deciphered it as quickly as he’d read it all the same. As if they could ever challenge him. The point was they were wanting to check in on him, invite him to a case, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. It was just fluff.

If L could stop pressuring him into becoming the world's newest greatest detective that’d be great. Oh well. L would do as L would do.

“Well?” Kuboyasu asked, sensing that Kusuo was done and calling him on it like an asshole. 

‘Tch.’ Kusuo harrumphed. “It’s nobody, don’t worry about it.”

“Doesn’t look like nobody…” Kaidou mumbled, drooling unashamedly at the photo or, more specifically, Kira. Because of that, Kuboyasu was giving the picture a disgusted look. 

Kaidou continued. “Looks like a GQ model and a...human spider?” 

Nendo’s input to that was, “I ate a spider, once.”

Kusuo shuddered in disgust. No. No. No. Nendo, please, no. “They’re two idiots. Even bigger idiots than you lot.”

Kuboyasu leaned in, curious. “Are they your uncles or something?”

Jesus and, or Buddha please never let either Kira OR L hear that enabling comment. They already acted like it but Kusuo did NOT need that kind of stress in his life. Oh the _comments_ they’d make!

So instead he pointed. “Hey, look, it’s Teruhashi.”

Three necks turned so fast they audibly cracked. Blinking over the chorus of pained and startled yips, Kusuo smirked.

  
Then he teleported. 

It was time to go home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!


End file.
